One morning, about 3 weeks ago I went to my iGoogle homepage, as I do every morning to check out things like the latest news via CNN, sports via ESPN and the weather. In addition to those things, Google includes a daily “How to” section that links you to various guides from WikiHow.com. Their topics tend to be pretty typical.
Guides on how to sew on a button, change a flat tire and train a dog are commonplace. Well on that particular day I guess they decided to shake shit up a bit and provide a guide on “How To Survive in Federal Prison“.
Although I was tempted to read the “How to Make Hamburger Cupcakes” guide first (I’m a big dude and those sound disgustingly delicious) and despite the fact that I have no intentions on ever becoming incarcerated, I decided to read it. Considering the fact that Lil’ Wayne will be starting his year long prison sentence on Riker’s Island today, I figured I’d highlight a few suggestions made in this “how to” guide that he might find helpful.
For starters they broke the article down into four sections, Before Prison, In Prison, Tips and Warnings. Since there were quite a few suggestions throughout the guide I simply chose to highlight the following three…
Here’s step number 2 from the “Before Prison” section:
Don’t overlook dental care. That’s because the choice and quality of care is much superior outside prisons. Certain treatments that you take for granted may not be available in prison, or won’t be as good. After all, if you’re in prison and you don’t like the prison dentist, where else are you going to go to have your teeth fixed? It’s not like you can easily find someone else!
So, if there’s time to do it, consider having a dental check-up before you self-surrender, and get anything important fixed. Also, if you wear glasses you may want to have an eye test and get new lenses, assuming you need them. As with dental care, you’ve got a better choice of lenses and frames outside prison.
Seriously? A dental check-up? This is number 2 on the things to do before prison? Am I the only one who thinks dental hygiene would be pretty low on my pre-prison priority list of things to do. Look, I’ve had an overbite for 28 years and I haven’t ran out and gotten it fixed yet (I might do it this year though, speaking of which I need to make a dentist appointment). But, I’m going to wait until I’m about to spend a significant amount of time around nothing but rapist, thieves, killers and homo thugs to go and get a perfect set of pearly white teeth. Maybe I’m crazy, but the last thing I would want to do is make myself look more attractive before I go to prison.
Okay Wayne, I’m assuming grills aren’t allowed in prison so you shouldn’t have to worry about attracting any unwanted(???) attention with your smile. Just remove any form of grills/jewelry from your mouth and I think that will suffice as a dental check-up.
Here’s one of the “Tips” they provide:
Inmates who are homosexual are usually looked down upon and are ostracized by other inmates. If you are gay, you best keep it to yourself while in prison, because it will only cause you problems. Inmates who are unusually young or cute-looking may be approached sexually by others who are testing the waters. If you are approached, it is best to decline; you do not want to become the property of some other inmate.
Okay….let me get this straight (pun intended), they said inmates who are young and cute-looking may be approached sexually by others. Now wait a minute, isn’t this the same article that told you to make sure you have the prettiest smile possible before you go in? Then they add “if you’re approached, it’s best to decline; you do not want to become the property of some other inmate.”
Alright Wayne, you got that? This is very important information. Hypothetically speaking of course, if during your incarceration a 40 year old bald-headed man approaches you and asks for a kiss, make sure you decline his offer. Tell him “No”, it’s as simple as that. I know this may be something you’re not used to, but if you don’t decline he might make you his property and start calling you his “son”…and you don’t want that…do you?
Here’s one of the “Warnings” they provide:
This may sound weird and uncomfortable, but could be life-saving: If you are concerned about getting attacked, sit when you go to the bathroom, and take your pants off completely. Since many attacks happen when you are using the toilet, it’s easier to defend yourself without your pants around your ankles, so you would not trip.
Soooo I should just get buc ass naked every time I use the bathroom? Damn right that sounds weird and uncomfortable.
Man, there are so many “pants on the ground” jokes runnin’ through my mind…but I’ll refrain. Well Wayne considering the fact that you’re a “Blood”, I’m going to assume that you’re going to encounter some people who may question the authenticity of your Blood affiliation. Those people may include Crips, other random gangs or hell maybe even real Bloods. No problem though, as this should be an easy tip for you to follow because for some strange reason I don’t think you’re going to have a problem with taking your pants completely off to use the restroom. I’m not sure, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that your pants are never completely “on” to begin with.
Well, hopefully those tips will help Wayne as he embarks on his year long federally imposed vacation. Anywho, if you plan on going to prison or you know somebody that’s going to end up there eventually and they just don’t know it, click here to read the entire article.
Doza said 
